So the other morning I woke up in a serious panic. What am I doing with my life? I've got no real job, no money coming in... I'm 22 and sure I'm living for God, but what is it really getting me? I don't see any fruit. Does what I am doing even matter? Safe to say that was a huge load to be waking up under. Sometimes the mind just goes crazy.
Well just to let you in on a little bit of my story... A while ago God started showing me that my calling was in music and ever since then I have been striving to pursue it. Everyone knows it's not the easiest career choice, especially when it comes to doing it for the Kingdom of God. I don't have the exact vision laid out just yet, but its kinda like when God tells you to go west... you go west. No questions and really no answers. lol Against my doubts and fears, I started taking little steps and to my amazement God has brought me further than I ever thought I would be. But there's still a long way to go. God wants me to have an influence in music for His kingdom.
So recently I have run into a corner where it seems like nothing I do is really productive or useful or taking me anywhere. I'm having a hard time writing songs and staying focused enough to practice. I have been praying for a new job, something to develop me in the music industry (without having a degree or much experience), and then I lost many many hours at my jobs (i had four about a couple months ago lol). Its amazing how God answers prayers. I don't go to school because I don;t have money for it much less know exactly where I am supposed to be. On top of all that my parents (with love and concern) got on top of me about going to school and pursuing a real career, because thats what you need to do to get ahead in the world. So i am left with nothing... absolutely nothing before God (which I guess in essence is a greta place to be lol)
I'm sure somebody knows what I am talking about. The pressure, the fear, the worry, the doubt is completely overwhelming, especially when you don't hear God's voice clearly about it.
So I opened up to Mark 4:39 randomly while praying about it all. The disciples were in a boat and suddenly a great windstorm arose and the boat was covered with waves. And there's Jesus sleeping like a baby. So the disciples wake Him up in a PANIC and Jesus says "Peace, be still!" There is a great calm and He said to them, "Why are you so fearful? Why is it that you have no faith?"
Notice the fear comes on very suddenly. Its always when you've had a great week with God and you got into a flow of being productive.. your doing your thing, think you've got it all straight or at least starting to and then out of nowhere a huge storm! It comes upon you so suddenly sending you into a panic. Your covered in waves, overwhelmed by thoughts of the future. Well rejoice! Cuz you were doing something right! Think about it... Whos gunna try to crush you when your finally getting ahead?
And it probably seemed to them like Jesus had forgot He was supposed to take care of them. Like He had left them to fend for themselves. But like we see even in His sleep He has everything under control. He brought a great calm (in greek great means numerous, large, abundant). Peace.
So I say to myself (and to you, but mostly to myself) STAND UP and FIGHT! No more whining... No more looking at the difficulties in front of you. Start getting real with what you have and real with God's word. There's people who had to live in their cars just to make it and that was without God. If we believe we have to believe to the fullest right? It won't always be easy. In fact, i guarantee it will be hard. Don't compare yourself to others for their season of fruitfulness is not the same as yours. In a notebook, write down what you do see or want to see for your life and write above that list Habbakkuk 2:2. "Write the vision and make it plain on the tablets. That he may RUN who reads it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it will speak and it will not lie. Though it tarries wait for it because it will surely come..." And then pray and pray hard for God to show you more and keep you strong. Stay faithful in what you have in front of you no matter how small, no matter how tiny, no matter how insignificant it may seem. You never know what great things God will do with the little you have. And most of all wait.
God's been giving me so much to say on this, but for the sake of brevity... to be continued.
"i am not destroyed,
but i am about to break;
the process so tedious,
i appreciate a spider’s work;
give me liberty or give me death
is the plea of its prey but,
using silence i have something else to say
for freedom is my only option,
but i must be enclosed for a time
as mystery becomes my shroud
housed in a realm where patience
is the air i breathe i wait for
maturity to yield its supple fruit" -Tiffany Mariposa
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